Wednesday, July 09, 2008

A Dad is Born - A Sequel

People, the new daddy is back for his much-demanded encore. This one is titled 'Save Me From My Parents'... Over to Nikhil:

Suhana did not cry or wail for almost 5 hours after they brought her to the room. Her expressions were mainly of shock and confusion. Don’t blame her though – she spent 9 months in a cozy dark place, where she was the only person in the entire world and food came free without any effort. Now she was in bright light, had a bunch of curious giants peeping into her face making strange noises and the tummy did not feel so satisfied. The last time I felt this way was when I finished my management trainee stint and moved into Sales.

So, Suhana had successfully managed to fool me that she was a quite, peaceful yet energetic baby. I even made some ‘proud Daddy’ calls to friends and family, announcing that I had created an angelic child. But like many things in life before this, I was wrong!

It started around 8 pm, after all the visitors at the hospital had gone back. It was a little wail that was barely audible. However, soon wailing began to get louder until it reached a crescendo. The loud wailing was supported with just the right expressions – red face, frowning eye brows and rapid kicking of legs. Before we could even understand what was happening, she was in complete agony, as if calling out to people outside the room saying – “Save me, save me, my parents are cruel people!

From our earlier research and conversations, we had figured that babies mainly cry when they are wet and need to be cleaned or when they are hungry or when they are feeling too hot or cold. No book explained that all these 3 events could actually occur simultaneously!! Anyway, I was prepared for this and did what was expected of me – I started making a nappy.

As a football fan, one of my lasting memories is that of the Brazilian footballer Ronaldo (he with the crooked teeth, bald head and highest number of World Cup goals). In the 1998 World Cup Final, against France, Ronaldo was completely off color and the story doing the rounds was that he had suffered a massive anxiety attack, just before the match, as the pressure of expectations got to him. I could not understand it then, but I sympathize with him now. Making a nappy (for which I believed I had a natural talent), under pressure from a wailing infant and its delirious mother, can be a harrowing experience. The creases were not joining, the folds were going haywire and I finally landed up making something of a cross between a mini skirt and a bandana!

Anyway, we quickly cleaned her up and then began the onerous task of positioning her for breast feeding. This proved much tougher than we imagined. A hungry baby is like a Vampire who just wants to have a go at anything within a 2 cm radius. Clothes, fingers, buttons etc. are all fair game! So I again did what I was expected to do – I opened the Bible - “What to expect when you are expecting”, and turned the page to breast feeding positions. As I began instructing my wife on how to position the kid, she shot back “I don’t need a lecture you @$$#o£€, I need you to put a pillow behind my back”.
Aye Aye Mam

Let me pose a very disgusting question to you – How many of you have munched on Subway sandwiches and milk shakes, while taking a dump in the Loo? Chances are that unless you were a particularly miserly kid in an all boys boarding school, your answer will be an emphatic ‘No’. I mean who mixes eating food with something as disgusting as taking a dump? The correct answer is – Infants! All kids poo while suckling and they do this repeatedly and sadistically.

So here we were, finally convinced that Suhana was in the correct position, satisfied in the incomplete knowledge that new parents have. And then it happened - a tiny sound, a little trickle and then a full fledged gush! There was poo all over the place. My mini skirt-bandana Nappy did absolutely nothing to hold things back. In fact, while finding the correct feeding position, we shifted Suhana around so much, that the Nappy had reached somewhere between her hip and shoulder.

As soon as she felt poo around her, Suhana stopped feeding and began to wail loudly again. This time it was meaner and scarier than before. I was panic stricken! What if the Doctors come into the room now? They will see a baby with a Nappy on her shoulder, poo all around, wailing loudly, while both parents behave like bumbling buffoons! What if they took her away from us? What if we were categorized as “unfit to be parents”?

That was the motivation we needed. In the next 3 minutes, I made what can be descried as the perfect Nappy, while Pallavi cleaned up Suhana. We then put on her Nappy, rubbed her back and almost instantly she stopped wailing. Her expressions changed from accusation to innocence. Those big eyes suddenly looked at us, as if to say “Who me? Did I do something wrong?

And exactly at that moment (and this something that will stay with us till the rest of our lives), the pediatrician and his team walked through the door. What they found was a well fed baby in the arms of her Dad, peacefully enjoying the ambience. The Doctor completed her check up and said “You guys are doing great. Baby is fine and you can go home whenever you want now”.

Pallavi and I proudly looked at one another – we got an A+

Nikhil is contemplating starting a blog of his own but is not yet sure if he will. Otherwise, this outsourcing strategy is totally working for me, given my abysmal blogging frequency...

Either way, will keep you folks posted...

23 comments:

  1. Both this post and the previous one were awesome and hilarious. I think I'll send them to my husband to read...

    Love the "new daddy" perspective!

    :-)

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  2. This guys has such a knack for writing!! Tell him to start a blog soon!! As in SOON!

    It was so hilarious to read this account!

    :D

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  3. What a hilarious post. I ditto the demand for a blog of your own, Dad!

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  4. Anonymous12:58 am

    Awesome and hilarious. But let the guy continue as guest blogger.. he may find the pressures of new baby and a new blog wailing for attention a bit much.

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  5. took me back totally to the days when Chip was a newborn. hilarios post. nikhil should totally start a blog, i'd be a loyal reader!

    Ro, you are following Sue about syndication.

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  6. LOL! Good going, Nikhil!

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  7. Hi Nikhil,
    Enjoyed both your posts. Liked this one even more than the previous one.
    Zen

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  8. thats a cute one.. kudos for A plus
    linkd u on the post
    http://itchingtowriteblogs.blogspot.com/2008/07/for-new-dads-dads-in-waiting.html

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  9. Anonymous2:10 pm

    dear Rohini,

    Thanks for introducing us to a wonderful writer who has a great comic timing. Send both d posts to my husband n we were both in splits. Nikhil, you have arrived on the bloggimng scene and you can't go back. so keep posting or outsourcing:)

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  10. Anonymous3:33 pm

    liked this one almost as much as the previous one:) i read several mommie blogs, and they are great. a new indian daddy perspective is very welcome though.
    happy parenting and happy blogging nikhil- here or in your own space.

    sarah

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  11. please tell nikhil he writes very well. his description is so real. forwarded it to the husband and asked him to read it as well. fathers rarely write.

    u've been tagged

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  12. :) Nikhil writes so well. If he sets up his own blog, I'd love to know about it. Thanks for givng us such a treat!

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  13. Whether he starts a blog or not, I sure hope he keeps writing and putting it up for us to read! :)
    Hilarious post :D

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  14. Nikhil8:42 pm

    Dear All,

    Thanks for your encouraging words :)

    Since new baby means very less time on hands, I am requesting Rohini to give me some teeny weeny space in her blog and posting 2 chapters (an earlier one that got missed out and a new one)

    Cheers

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  15. Take all the space you want Nikhil, but please do keep writing ! It was awesome to read a new dad's perspective. Hilarious !

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  16. fantastic writing Nikhil - you shld check out Twisted DNA sometime

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  17. Ro - stop being lazy. get him a url and write us a post :D

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  18. kunju's mom5:24 pm

    hahahah.... my husband definitely needs to read this...thankfully we had lovely turkish/ cotton nappies with velcro's on which baby was very comfy with... so the struggle was reduced...keep going nikhil!! whistles and hoots :)

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  19. Such fun! And you guys got a well deserved A+!
    Keep writing, Nikhil

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  20. Nikhillllllll
    !!!!

    Congratulations - this is fantastic news. Congrats to you and Pallavi.

    Suhana is a beautiful name (damn why didn't I think of it first!)

    And yes, now get your own blog!

    Yashodhara

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  21. Nikhillllllll
    !!!!

    Congratulations - this is fantastic news. Congrats to you and Pallavi.

    Suhana is a beautiful name (damn why didn't I think of it first!)

    And yes, now get your own blog!

    Yashodhara

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  22. Hey Nikhil,

    N'joyed reading your blog still giggling and adding the comment, Can only say you both are so lucky to cherish these beautiful memories.

    Waiting for the next blog
    Tk Care :)

    Preeti.

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