Thursday, December 02, 2010

Questions for the Judgemental

I have a few questions I'd like to ask all the women out there who are stay-at-home moms, the ones who judge other moms who chose to work. Not only do they judge, but they criticize their choices, pity their children and cannot for the life of them understand how a mother can choose to go to work instead of staying home with her kids. They make extreme statements like "If she wanted to focus on her career, why did she have kids in the first place?" They walk around feeling all superior because they believe they had the sense and sensibility to make the right choice, the only reasonable choice in their books, to 'sacrifice' their careers for their children.

So ladies, you know who you are, tell me this. What does your ideal world look like? Since you seem to believe that motherhood and careers don't mix, do you believe that all women should partially or totally drop their careers the minute they pop out their babies?

Do you think we should step back about two centuries ago to a world where being a wife and a mother are supposed to be the extent of a woman's ambition? A world where men dominate and take centrestage, with all that that implies? Where women don't bring their experience, diversity and compassion to all spheres of life, inside and outside their homes?

And if you do indeed feel that way, what about future generations? Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that it isn't possible to have jobs and children and do well by both? Do you want your sons to grow up thinking that it is alright for them to expect their wives to be the ones to chuck or downsize their careers and assume primary responsibility for child care?

Isn't it is bit hypocritical for you to denounce working women when you yourself push your daughter to excel in her studies? Surely that can't be just because you hope she will be a really intelligent mother?

Or do you actually prefer status quo? Are you secretly glad that there are some women out there who continue to work, so that you can compare yourself to them and feel superior about your (good) choices versus their (bad) choices?

Just wondering...

49 comments:

  1. Hmm
    I thought the judgement was the other way around. Working women judging the stay at home moms...
    Working women feeling superior about their careers.

    It works both ways, I guess.

    Btw I am working and dont have a kid yet. Just observing. :--)

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  2. Anonymous11:41 pm

    I'm not a mother, but just want to voice my opinion anyway.

    More than choices, I believe it's about identity. If these SAHM who criticize other women are content with being nothing else but a great mother [hopefully, since they don't have anything else to excel at], then so be it. We all make choices, they've made theirs.

    Women need to be financially independent, in this increasingly uncertain world where marriage as an institution is becoming more transient. Women need to have their own identity, other than the mere roles of daughter, wife, sister, mother etc that they fulfil.

    -s

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  3. Me - raised by working mom. My husband - raised by stay at home mom. Both turned out OK. End of discussion.

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  4. I have some elderly relatives with strong opinions on working moms,not all positive ofcourse! My only answer-I only wish we could afford our lifestyle choices on one paycheck in the long run :)

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  5. @ Clueless: loved your comment.

    I think that both sets end up judging each other... a little , or a lot, depending on how insecure the individual person is.

    And at the end, a good mom is a good mom.. working or not is just one variable.. and you know what the good news is? That all moms are just plain superduperfantastic..

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  6. Ariel4:00 am

    I realy do hope you have some actual responses to the questions you ve listed out. Would be very enlightening for me to read. Considering I m a 20 something mom of a 20 month old, who works full time, goes to school part time, was back at work in 6 weeks of the baby, doesnt need the money or the education for the lifestyle she has, has a high stress career , takes a day off to sleep in, I m the poster child for 'bad mommy' even though I do it all with no help, cook dinners from scratch and have a beautiful home that I clean myself and dont work,study when my sons awake. (Yeah I m superwoman;)). The woman whose baby had to learn to feed himself at 9 months because mommy had no time to feed him. The child who has to sleep early in the evening because mommy doesnot want to spend time with him. The child who greats everyone with a hug and kiss because mommy has no time to hug and kiss him.I apparently cant do anything right and should start saving up for a therapy fund for the boy. Thats what I call his college fund now:)

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  7. Anonymous6:21 am

    I am a working mom of 2 kids in the US who go to day care. I am waiting for the answers.

    I will be interesting to see what the judgementals (The Moms) have to say...

    -Meera

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  8. i am NOT one of those, but my daughter (when she was much smaller) once said to me (within context which i don't remeber any longer) - "but mamma's don't go to office!"
    and even now they ask me - mamma what do you want to be when you grow up? (i love that - it gives me hope :-)

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  9. I think it's the patriarchy speaking, Ro. The 'system' is still getting used to the whole new concept that women are people too...who can choose to work, and raise children at the same time, and do a good job of both.

    So these are women (and men) still buying into that old system, totally threatened by the changes, and criticising those who embrace the change, waiting for them to fail...forgetting that parenting is parenting, you can do it well under many different circumstances, lifestyles and choices...

    Will be back with more comments later...forgot some of what I wanted to say!

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  10. kya hua rohini? what prompted this post?

    but that apart, the one thing i am through with is judgemental women! and we seem to be the worst after we become parents. i guess its because of the pressure we feel to cut ourselves to size to fit into the mould we are expected to inhabit. individual choice and agency blow away into the winds.

    and definitely it cannot be about pleasure, the pleasure of working, the pleasure of being with the baby, these are not terms one can bring into the talk about expected duties of a working woman, a mother.

    i began reading blogs because of the sheer pleasure in reading about the different choices women were making, and enjoying it. even though a lot of the writing was tinged with a 'how can you be any other way' it was okay. it helped me think very consciously about the choices i was making, and being confident in the choices i was making.

    my blogging world was not divided into SAHM and working moms, it was purely about those who were enjoying the choices they were making.

    one reason i keep coming back here :)

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  11. Honestly, I feel these kind of judgemental people are becoming lesser, at least in our generation. I have just one question for all such people: assuming that your spouse is the father of your child, how come it's ok for him to spend time away at work? doesn't that make him a bad father?

    Once we look at it that way, the ridiculousness of a stance that says women must always "sacrifice" their careers becomes obvious.

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  12. At the end of the day, its just nosiness and a false sense of superiority, or self esteem issues. Each one to his/her own I say. I really feel that no one should try and judge another person or his/her choices

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  13. hey Ro! u know the answer- happy mom= happy baby!
    i am only glad that we hav the freedom of choice. many people don't

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  14. I am the only working mom in my building and I often go through this with people even telling me that R has become *thin* because she is neglected..I am beyond caring...people dont realise that I work because I need to..but again..I like that I work..I had written about this lady whom I met from the US (she is a grand mom to three) who told me that she has four kids and all of them were proud that their mom is working mother...
    @Clueless: Same here Me raised by working mom, hubby by SAHM...both turned out okie :)

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  15. I am a SAHM. I think it's about having the liberty to make your own choice. As for judgemental people they are everywhere.. they may be SAHMs or Working moms. However I do get worried when my daughter says papas go to office mamas go to the gym.. sigh. Hope I can explain the whole choice thing to my kids soon.

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  16. Hi Rohini,
    I am a regular/silent reader of your fantastic blog... your topic of discussion is a question that every working woman faces after having a baby - to stay at home or to continue with the career. I was working for almost 8 years and recently had a baby and was in a big dilemma. i did not have any support system at home to look after the baby like my mom or inlaws. leaving the baby at day care was not at all an option for me and not with an unkown maid at home.. so i resigned from work! but i still feel bad when my colleagues junior to me getting promoted, i really miss the office atmosphere and work challenges and the satisfaction of doing something worthwhile to my clients and also the monthly salary credit! but am ok at home with the baby and hope to rejoin back when my son is ready for school.. till then i compensate by seeing my baby's antics which i will never get to see after few yrs... so its all a matter of priority!

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  17. - Its a choice...SAHM or Working Mom
    - And I guess its how efficiently one deals with the choice that matters
    - I would like to believe HDWK when she says all moms are superduperfantastic:)
    - and like itchy said a 'happy' child is what every mom wants and strives for
    - People talk/comment...That's a birth right ;b.. But Live your life how you and your loved ones want it to be...
    - And then we all live happily ever after :D

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  18. I'm surprised that people use statements like 'just a mom' or trivialize mommyhood. I don't know how many people can say that their company thinks they're indispensable. Find me one family/child who thinks that the mother is dispensable.

    I don't have anything against SAHMs or working moms, I'm all for choices and being grateful for the ability to choose.

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  19. Just curious as to what brought on that post! I think...simply put...people just like to defend their choices and feel that they did the right thing.

    I admire women who are completely confident that they have made the right choice, irrespective of whether they have chosen to stay at home or to be a working mom.

    "Sacrificing" too much of yourself for your children can also have a detrimental effect.

    Nice to see this post from you after you became a SAHM!

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  20. Its all about feeling good about oneselves. They need to defend their choices. Heard of insecurities, yeah, thats what all this is about.

    i am no mother yet, but a career woman, who takes her work rather seriously. And i believe its possible to excel at both. Just a tad bit extra effort.

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  21. Ro, I have been both. Was a SAHM for an yr after having the baby, and now a working mom. Both have their challenges, and if working moms respect SAHM's for their sacrifices, they deserve the same appreciation for all the extra effort they put to manage both home and work. I am sure no mother compromises on her child's wellbeing, like ever! It is just a matter of choice, and I feel either is not justified being judgemental. Personally, I feel I enjoy my child more when I don't hold her responsible for ruining my career. At the same time, I think she accepts the fact that I have to go to work, just like she goes to school and her dad goes to work, because we are all equals. I think it is the first lesson in gender equality. Had I been a SAHM, I would have projected housekeeping as my job and still been an equal!

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  22. People who judge, compare or whatever blah, I personally feel, are insecure. I have been there.. done that. :) I think people who grow up are the ones who understand their situations and grow out of their negativities and move on towards being happier and spread happiness.
    I feel for the judging type people that instead of focusing on their own life, they waste time to think about others. I have only one thing to tell them that I have my own set of jobs and problems on hand and have to get them done properly, instead of thinking about others.

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  23. Its like the never ending battle... who is better.. the SAHM or the Working mother....
    The winner is: "What works for yourself and your family!"
    Currently I am a Working mother.. and on the brink of being a SAHM... both my choices are right for me and for my family circumstances...
    Hats off to mothers in general.......you are the best parent for your kid.. working or not!

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  24. Anonymous10:34 pm

    ""@ Clueless: loved your comment.

    I think that both sets end up judging each other... a little , or a lot, depending on how insecure the individual person is. ""

    Excatly my thoughts...with a underline to depending on how insecure the individual is. :)

    The way our generation has been analyzing (or judging) things..soon you'll see is a tall mom better or a short mom better..or is a mom with light complexion better or a dark complexion..Ridiculous it is becoming..

    C'mom people..it really does not matter..a mom is a mom..working, non-working, tall, short, light or dark..

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  25. As a teacher of little kids--pre-school to junior school, I do see the consequence of lack of attention. But the attention need not be only from the mother. A child does well on stable attention from any family member--dad, mom, grandmom, aunt. But the most important thing for a child is to have someone who tries to understand and appreciate her/him and you don't have to be an SAHM for that. I have seen enough evidence of neglect by SAHMs as much as I have seen very involved working mums. Finally what a child needs to know is that mum and dad love him/her unconditionally and are interested in her and her world.

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  26. Oh what brought out such an emotional post? Dont bother with what working women say about SAHMs and vice versa, I believe people who are bitchy will just be bitchy . Its similar to what someone told my mom in London when she was working there, don't assume that people are racist, they may just be rude to you because they are rude people.
    If people want to talk about your career choices let them talk. If not that, they will find something else to talk about, i guess everyone always wants to give their opinion on parenting
    And c'mon havent you sometimes felt superior to others because you were working and managing a kid? Similarly am sure other moms will feel superior if they cook better than you and have a more beautiful home.
    Forget the labels and do what suits you best in my opinion.

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  27. Really loved this post...and curious like everyone else to know what brought it on.

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  28. I have been dying to say this to anyone who will listen... back to when my son was less than a year old, i was pumping at work and bringing home expressed milk to make up for the time i was away from kid, he had nothing but breast milk after 7 PM. I would be home by 7 PM, and i would manage by using both the expressed milk and directly feeding him... and this SAHM two doors away, asked me if i was feeding my son. I said "Yes".. and she had this to say, "But you are working......."

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  29. Ro, what do I say? The age old wars, no doubt...but in my opinion, there are really only 2 kinds of people - those who judge and those who dont.

    For as many SAHMs that we have who sneer at working moms, we do have an equal number of working women who look down their noses at people who decide to stay home.

    And that is the reason this is such a no-win thing....its not about whether you work or not, its just about respecting the other point of view. What happened btw?

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  30. I believe every mother does what works for her and her family and if she doesnt, she must try to, instead of allowing herself to be influenced by external factors.

    I dont believe that just because I gave up my job my daughter will grow up and do the same believing that to be the only option available to her !!(Did anyone on this forum blindly follow their mum without weighing the options they had?)I hope she sees it for what it is - a solution that worked for our family and it most definitely doesnt mean we have stepped 2 centuries backward or some such thing nor am I sending any regressive signals to my children.

    Applying the same logic to working mothers, I'm sure they work because first and foremost , it works for them and their families and not because they want to prove a point (against patriarchy, for feminism , so on and so forth) at the cost of their personal happiness and that of their families.

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  31. Ro, it's a non-ending debate. As much as I would love to be a SAHM so as to pay attention to my daughter, I dread that I may get frustrated sitting at home.
    I agree with honesty that there are times when I think that we should step back to a world where being a wife and a mother are supposed to be the extent of a woman's ambition.

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  32. Ro, you said what I sometimes feel. And you said it so brilliantly!

    The truth is - there IS no right or wrong way here. There are just different ways. Why wee feel the need to criticize others who make different choices from us is beyond me. I chose what works for me. To evaluate my "performance" as a parent based on someone else's idea of "right" is ridiculous.

    Also - you are right! If every woman were to make the choice to stay back at home for her kids, we would just go back to square one. All the decades that women spent fighting to get the right and opportunities to work outside of their homes will go to a waste.

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  33. I think mostly folks are confused. The minute that gets resolved, the judging evaporates.

    And meanwhile, one can practise the art of 'ek kaan se andar, doosre se baahar’.

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  34. Had so much to say about this. Did a post here... http://bangalore-mom.blogspot.com/2010/12/age-old-debate.html

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  35. @GettingThereNow: You have clearly written that you chose what works for you.Similarly, even the women who choose to stay at home are doing exactly that -choosing what works for them.
    Why is it that if every woman chose to stay at home, its not recognised /respected as "different way, not right or wrong" ,since you wrote that it would take us back to square one? Especially when she has made the choice and has not been forced into it?

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  36. Well I do hear working mom saying that SAHM's are wasting their degress staying at home etc etc ..so I guess it is both ways ...

    I guess we are a commenting society in general where some people just love to comment either one way or other ..

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  37. [SK] I think it does work both ways - I am coming to realize that being on the other side of the fence now…

    [S] Identity is a big part of it. It's something that I am struggling with right now because in my head, I was always 'the working mom'. Totally agree with the financial independence bit. I know too many women who feel trapped to stay or struggle if they do summon the courage leave.

    [Clueless] LOL! I like that. Me too. Raised by a working mom and was terribly proud of her since not many of my classmates had working moms.

    [Vidya] Surprisingly, it is my grandmothers who seem to be the most upset that I have quit my job. Go figure!

    [HDWK] I like that. Now whenever I feel low, I shall tell myself I am superduperfantastic :)

    [Ariel] Supermom is right! And many of things you mentioned don't mean anything in isolation. I still feed Ayaan some of his meals (and I was a working mom through most of his life to date) while Tarana is well on her way to self-feeding, even though I have been home everyday. Sounds to me like you are raising a really independent, well-adjusted young fellow.

    [Meera] There are no universal answers, I guess. Whatever works for each individual. Just wish we could get by without raining on each other's parade!

    [d] LOL! Ayaan, on the other hand, has very magnanimously told me that he is okay with me going to office, but I have to be back before he comes back from school :)

    [Starry] Patriarchy is right. Because people assume that if mom is not there 100% of the time, the kids are neglected. What about dad??? It's perfectly alright for my husband to say to me - 'I don't know how you do it. I would go mad if I had to stay home with the kids all day'. But if I said that, it would make me a bad mom.

    [Sur] Arre, nothing in particular. Just a combination of some small incidents and this thought brewing in my head for a bit… You are so right on the pleasure bit. Our generation doesn't know how to sit back and enjoy the experience of raising kids, stressed out as we are about making perfect choices and raising perfect kids. Thanks for the bloggy compliment :)

    [Aparna] Really? I thought we were getting more judgmental. Or may, with blogs and stuff, we are just more 'out there' with our opinions… Ooh, and I hate that word, sacrifice, especially in this context. The one phrase I hope I have the good sense to never use with my kids is 'After all that I have done for you…'

    [Ritu] Amen to that.

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  38. [Itchy] So true.

    [R's Mom] Yup, I was very proud of my mum too.

    [Obsessivemom] That is why I get irritated with SAHMs make unequivocal criticisms about working mom. Having taken a break, I am thankful to the women who continue to work. Our daughters will nee role models of both kinds when it is their turn to choose.

    [Sunitha] Hi there. Thanks for delurking. Sounds like a plan. But be warned, it's no easier to work full-time even when they are back at school and the judgemental will still judge…

    [Gayatri] Simply and well put :)

    [Argentyne] I don't think it is about companies or children thinking you are indispensable. It is about what each woman thinks is indispensable to her own personal happiness and that of her family's

    [Lawyeramma] Do you know women like that? Most women I know are at least mildly conflicted about their choice in this particular arena.

    [Iya] I totally agree. I was a working mom for four years and hope to be again some time in the not to distant future. And IMHO, I totally rocked it :)

    [Violet] 'No mother compromises on her child's wellbeing' - that's the part that many of the people who judge working moms don't get. And it's their supposedly well-meaning pity for the supposedly neglected kids of working moms that hurts the most.

    [Meenakshi] Well said. I guess, at some level, we all judge. It is human nature. But being accepting of others' choices and being tactful about expressing your opinions would definitely go a long way.

    [Garima] You said it. Whatever works. Nobody else's business, really.

    [Anon] LOL!

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  39. [HGM] Absolutely. I think we like to tag people with identities like 'working mom', 'SAHM', etc and forget to see the people behind those tags. There's a lot more to being a good parent that being physically present.

    [Mum's Delight] The post really wasn't a personal one since I have already switched sides, at least for the moment. Just wondering what makes these judgemental SAHMs tick…

    [U] Nothing major. Just some long, overdue ranting :)

    [Monu] And I know SAHMs who let their maids do most of the heavy lifting when it comes to their kids. Just the label doesn't define the quality of parenting.

    [BangaloreMom] True. I guess having been a working mom, I have mostly been subject to the former. And the only SAHMs that I ever sneered at were the ones who were so locked into their choice that they could not appreciate mine. Will hop across and check out your post in a bit.

    [SS] I was exaggerating to make a point. I don't mean that you will be a poor model for your daughter because you quit. But imagine if we all felt judged enough (and again, I am exaggerating) to stay at home (possibly at the cost of personal happiness too), then that would become the norm. And then our daughters would have only one kind of role model and that would mean a return to patriarchy. Personally, I would like my daughter to see both worlds and be able to make an informed choice that works for her.
    Also, I think Cee (Gettingtherenow] meant the different, 'not right or wrong' for both working women and SAHMs. And if all women did make that choice because of the lack of support and encouragement from the world around then, then yes - it would be tantamount to being forced.

    [sscribbles] In theory, I sometimes feel that way too. At least, then there wouldn't be this 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' choice to make. But remember all the other stuff that comes with that world - I, for one, would not like to live in a world when men held all the power.

    [Cee] I knew you would agree :)

    [Choxbox] So true. We make snap judgements based on assumptions…

    [Vandana] Of course, it is both ways. I have mostly been subject to the working mom judgement so writing about that.

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  40. SS: Ro explained what I meant (Thanks Ro). Realistically speaking, there will never be a time when a 100% of women in the society will want to stay at home (neither will they all want to go to work).

    I was just replying to Ro's words: "Do you think we should step back about two centuries ago to a world where being a wife and a mother are supposed to be the extent of a woman's ambition?"

    And when I said I chose what works for me, I was speaking in general - not in particular about my choice to work. I meant whatever my choice might be, it works for me and can't be evaluated by someone else's standards of right and wrong. It applies to both, SAHM and WOHM.

    I have a cousin who wanted to stay at home and take care of her kids. Her husband forced her to work because that was, in his eyes, a better utilization of her time and skills. I wanted to work but my in-laws forced me to stay at home to take care of my home. (I started working 10 years later, when I got away from their influence) Both scenarios are unacceptable in my opinion. But what's pitiful is the judgment we women subject each other to.

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  41. Anonymous4:53 am

    Okay...after reading thru the comments I HAD to put in my two cents:-) Longish and incoherent comment ahead, so be warned.

    I gave up a much cherished and longtime job recently to stay at home with my 6 1/2 year old who just began first grade here in the U.S. I have worked all his young life at a job I loved very much and was moreover very, very good at. The funny things is thruout these years I got awe, envy and admiration from moms across the spectrum when I came down to India(I must mention here that I mean folks residing in Mumbai and Goa). The "awe" because I was for all practical purposes a single mom since my son was born. The hubby travels overseas most of the month and returns home a week at the most, if at all, in a month. When my son was born I was in the final semester of completing a masters which I somehow managed to despite no parental help which many Indian moms do take for granted when the kiddo is very young(My mom still works in India and we didn't think of asking the MIL as she's pretty old). So I managed with a combo of baby sitters and a nanny but no daycare(Felt he was too young and would fall prey to the many viruses that are inevitable). Did I feel frustrated at times? You bet. The evenings were the worst when I got back home and there was no one but the baby and me. But...the situation with my husband's job was what it was and there wasn't anything we could do about it at that time. I must add that when my husband is around he is the far better "mommy" than I can ever be. More patient, loving, willing to do everything for my son from botty washing to cooking his meals to attending PTA meetings. When he is here I literally put my feet up and do NOTHING!

    Now, for the American viewpoint on my situation. The Desi SAHM and Working moms pitied me endlessly for what they termed as slogging it out so by and by I let these so called friendships fall away. The American(by this I simply mean Non desi) working moms ofcourse "tut-tutted" and sympathised at how much I was doing but by far the worst where the their SAHM counterparts. The criticism was the worst from them as I had a huge number of their tribe living in the community we did at that time. So if you think the judging from SAHMs in India is bad you gotta come here!!! So my overall experience has been that in India the judging is actually worse if you are educated enough to hold a god job and don't and in the U.S. it is the other way around. So much for a first world country being progressive and liberal!!! Hmph! Now please note- This is just my own experience.

    Recently, I was promoted and had to leave after much mental indecision because the step up meant a huge increase in responsibility and travel. With my husband still travelling every.single.week this would've meant an insane amount of juggling to do vis-a-vis my son's childcare. I decided to take a clean break, step back, enjoy my son fully for a while and reevaluate my options regarding my career.

    Now heres the fun part. I suddenly find myself being far more accepted by the yummy stay-at-home mommies at my son's school. These same mommies gave me lengthy discourses on the perils of being a working mom just a month ago, all the while smiling benignly at my husband when we met them together at school meets. On the other hand I got an immense amount of flack from my pals back home in India(both working and non) for throwing away what they believed was an awesome career. Like suddenly I am now reduced to nothing.

    So....long story short. It certainly goes both ways sweetie and no matter which side the zingers come from they are always vicious:-) All of us simply need to lighten up.


    Deepa

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  42. Anonymous5:25 am

    Don't make such generalising statements..I'm sure you would have looked down upon a SAHM about her career-less life with this kind of approach in life.

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  43. [Deepa] Goodness, forget superwoman, you are a veritable goddess. Show me your feet, woman!

    [Anon] Actually, I don't and never have looked down on SAHMs so if someone is making generalising statements, it's not me!

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  44. Wow Rohini, you must have gone through quite some judgmental experience(s) to come out with this post :).
    I am on the other side - SAHM who's completely content with what I am at the moment. I must add that I am a big advocate of a mom's right to choose. Different things work for different people. I have wonderful friends/relatives who are working moms and are doing a great job of bringing up their children, so I don't understand the judgmental viewpoint.

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  45. vidya4:01 pm

    I have been raised by a working mom with no father to support.My grasndmom used to take care of us.While as a kids we did feel the need to bond with mom.

    Today after 7 years of working. I am a SAHM to 4 year old son "Anshul". Like Sunitha I had too planned to start working once my son reaches school. But trust me its really tuff getting back on tracks after 3 years of gap, with no one to take care of my child.

    Its all about the priorties we set on the differnet walks of life, when a girl plays a different role.

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  46. I am new to this blog. I am a new mom, a stay-at-home mom of a seven-month-old. I think it is unfair to judge both a stay-at-home mom or a working mom. Like someone else pointed out, both types do their best for their kids. It is a woman's choice, ultimately, and I really don't see how one kind could feel superior or inferior to the other.

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  47. Just entered the ship and have had till my neck fom stay-at-home moms and thei constant criticizm of working moms! Its so unfair to judge either, we should all be happy with the decisions we make,but unfortunately that would be a perferc ideal world situation which by far doesn't exist.
    But picking on a mom and looking down upon her just because she works is ridiculous. A mom is a mom is a mom, she works, she doesnt work, she dances, she murders, nothing changes and no mother will make a decision which will adversely effect her baby.
    I wish the world realised that and I hope I made sense

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  48. Got to read some nice stuff here. I am SAHM of a 18 month old girl in US. As for me I always adore working moms..to me they are super moms.No mom neglect her child..so that is not even a question worthy of answer.
    I want to be one who can strike that delicate balance. But I know myself little to well..so after my MS I took break...cannot bring myself to work and take care of a baby..but still I harbor this desire to get back to work someday. But for now I am happy with my choice (gods grace I don't HAVE to work for financial reasons not that extra income would not add more comforts it's just that we have adapted our lifestyle.)

    So what I wanted to say was, people will judge no matter what we do..but we have to do what we have to (like working for financial reasons) and sometimes like in my case seek happiness in choice that we make.

    So my mantra for now is "Make a choice and seek that elusive happiness".

    Sorry for long rambling but this discussion seemed another life story of mine :)

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  49. Too late.... too little - is the strength of my comment!

    But, I just had to tell you that I have been an SAHM for the past 6 years and yes, I have, till recently doubted the capability of working women being able to raise kids.

    What suddenly changed? Nothing specific. In fact, it has been a gradual realization over the past 6 years, exposure to a world of more mothers my age, and of course very close relationship with both categories of mothers.

    I personally have figured out for myself that - there isn't a question of capability, it is simply a matter of absolute blissful, heartfelt and happy choice made by the woman.

    I made a choice to quit work 6 years ago, I have no clue of whether I will get back or not, and if I do, will I get back to working for a bank or do something else.

    But, as of today, now, this moment - I am very happy with the choice I have made and the way my kids have turned out so far.

    I also made a decision only last month that I am not going to waste my time figuring out what to do, I am taking each day as it comes.

    But while on the subject I also want to tell you that I get a whole lot of questions because I am an SAHM. How can you stay at home for so many years after working for so long? Dont you miss being in office and seeing new and many faces everyday? Dont you want the rush back in your life? Dont you feel like you are wasting your life and not adding any value to it?

    Everyone has the right to ask, and I have the right to stay 'mum' (pun unintended).

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